I Feel Pretty

As a women we struggle with all the images of what beauty is. In a world of IG models and vixens we critic ourselves extra hard. A lot of times feel we don’t measure up. I don’t know about you, but I know I’ve been there quite a few times in my life.

Self esteem is something I have always struggled with from childhood. Contrary to popular belief, I never thought I was pretty. I had an accident as a 1 year old that left me with a burn scar on the left side of my face. Kids were very mean and I endured years of bullying and teasing because of it. Just when I would get comfortable in my skin someone would remind me of my “burnt face”. "Burnt face burnt face", is what they would chant at me. Most of the time the teasing and taunting came from some little boy. There you have it! At a young age that feeling of needing to be accepted by the opposite sex kicked in.

Yes, my Mother and Father were there and always told me I was beautiful. But that’s was their job. Right? Middle school was the absolute worst! I was the skinny, burnt face girl, with forehead acne. I wore ankle beaters and my hair was a big puff ball because I wasn’t getting relaxers just yet. In my eyes my friends were the cute girls and I was they "ugly" friend! No boys liked me and when one did, I held on to him for dear life! I made plenty of dumb decisions around that situation to make him like me.

High school things turned around for me. Boys now liked me and I was somewhat one of the cool kids. The teasing and taunting no longer came from the guys, but from the girls. There you have it! In my adolescence, the feeling of needing to "s**t on these h**s" kicked in! How I dressed, did my makeup, and wore my hair was for someone else.

College is when I started feeling myself. I thought I was the s**t! My validation came from what the world introduced to us as Facebook! I know you all remember when Facebook was new. People only could join if they had a college e-mail. The memories of the guys on campus hitting you up on Facebook. No one seemed to notice or care about the scar on my face. Finally I was the pretty girl that everyone liked!

As a young adult my party life started and I was getting attention that I was not used to, and from guys I would never think would look my way. Still something was missing. I only felt good or pretty when my friends would confirm it or some man was telling me during casual intercourse that later left me feeling ugly as hell once he ghosted me! Then I got FAT! My little curves turned into speed bumps, my butt deflated, and my love handles got stubborn as heck! I was depressed and to make me feel better I just ate! (Yeah Cle that’s gonna help!)

Fast forward to 2019 the 33 year old Cle!

One night I was watching a movie called I Feel Pretty .It’s a romantic comedy staring Amy Schumer. She plays a low self esteem woman who works for a cosmetic company. She gets on a dating site and gets no play. She is all like "I wish I was pretty" and whatnot. One day in cycling class she has an accident where she hits her head. She now has this confidence that’s through the roof! Her new found confidence mad her now appealing and very attractive to the opposite sex. She saw herself as beautiful the way she was; until she hits her head again and it’s gone. Now she no longer feels pretty, and goes back to the insecure woman she was before the accident. Of course in the end she realizes she is a pretty just the way she is.

When I tell you all I boo-hoo cried off that movie like a little baby! Grown a**, Cle with a few extras pounds could relate. I’m not gonna sit here and say I have overcome feeling insecure about my looks and that my self esteem is through the roof! I am not going pretend that social media doesn’t play a part in my down moments and I don't compare and critic myself. I will not act like I still don’t look to my friends or the opposite sex for validation, compliments and feel like the ugly friend sometimes. It’s a constant battle that I fight to love on myself and know that I am beautiful, PERIOD! I'm not going to make you think that I don’t look at my friends and get a little jealous of their bodies. I am not going to lead you to believe that I don’t still cry about it sometimes or that I don’t look in the mirror and feel disgusting. I still look at old pics and wish I was that size again. I often think about how I would look without my scar on my face. I’m not going to pretend that I don’t believe I’m still not married cause I’m ugly and unattractive. I'm not going to front like I don't think about getting surgery and fat transfers, because I would be lying! I have my moments. I have times when I’m feeling myself and times when I’m not. What I will say that is indeed a FACT; is that it shouldn’t matter what others think but how I feel about Cle and I Feel Pretty! (Now I’ll feel prettier when I lose 60+ pounds) jut keeping it real!